Ten years

I have had a hard time trying to come up with the words to say today. So much tragedy lately and with each one I am taken back to my moment. None are equal or the same, but each one reminds me of my pain. It is so hard to imagine that it has been 10 years. Typically on this day I refuse to be sad and try to think of the joy of the 9 months I got to spend with Branson. This year was different. This year I allowed myself to be sad and sit in the sadness. I allowed myself to mentally walk through the entire day (June 12, 2012) and feel each moment. I felt fear, panic, sadness, mourning and loss. It felt good to be sad. Not what people typically say, but today it felt good. 

    

10 years seems like a long time and it is, 27 and 37 are two very different ages. I have added two kids and have seen all my kids grow. I have changed as a mom and take so many things less seriously than I did before. I create memories, sit in moments drinking them in, wanting to remember every word and action of each memory. I take more pictures and laugh at my kids silly antics. I imagine Branson intermingled with them during activities. Just today at lunch we had an empty seat and I looked at it for a minute and imagined Branson sitting there eating chips and salsa and smiling calmly back at me. He was my calm one. I wonder if he still would be?

I can't say I am perfect and don't still get agitated or quickly rush through activities or moments with my kids. I am human after all. I have anxiety when I can't see my kids, or they won't answer my text while at a friends house, or they fly to Disney world without me (HE JUST MADE IT HOME...we have missed him) or sometimes I have anxiety for no reason at all. One day just out of the blue I fear something has happened and there is nothing I can do but sit and wait for it to pass. I trust God and know he will keep them safe. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. 

One decade down, countless more to go. I miss him more and more every passing year and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. Please if you think of him reach out to me. Send me a green heart or just say his name. It brings me so much joy knowing others remember my baby boy. Make memories, take pictures and remember that nothing is promised so make each moment and each memory count. 💚

I don’t write much any more because I have a mental block. Nothing comes out right and I often delete what I write or never post it. I miss writing and hope I can get back to it soon.