My unpublished ramblings...

I have so many unpublished posts that I have written over the past 11 years. About once a year I go back and read them bringing on a flood of emotions. I don't know why I am afraid to post some of them. Maybe I worry people will think I talk too much about Branson, or grief or life struggles, when in reality we all struggle. My struggle is no worse than any one else's and we are all just surviving. I am reminded though that sometimes speaking our pain, our grief, our inner thoughts, helps someone not feel so alone. So here is a compilation of past drafts I never posted. If they seem like unfinished thoughts, it is because they are. I usually would get overwhelmed with emotion, stop writing, and never go back to it. I am starting with the oldest and moving towards the most recent. Although I clearly still have healing that needs to take place, looking back at the oldest posts to now I can see the healing. One day at a time...God is healing me and using me for his glory.

I do promise I have so much joy in my life and I will make a post about this so it doesn't seem like all I do is wallow in my sadness. My life is full of pure joy and I am blessed beyond all I could imagine. This is just a big part of my life that I openly like to share.

(May 2015)

Mother's Day was yesterday, and it was a very nice day. Just time spent with family, but a piece of my heart was in heaven.

As I sat nursing my youngest last night, I thought of how he reminds me of Branson in a pulling at my heart, longing kind of way. He looks like him and acts like him and is just more like him than I am willing to admit. Austin was easier it seems, he didn't remind me as much of Branson, so it seemed easier to separate his life from Branson's tragedy. But Hudson, oh how he reminds me of him. As you can imagine this is hard for me on a daily basis. I fear losing him daily and every moment I am with him in my arms I stare and try to soak it in to remember every second of it in case it is my last, in case it is a memory I must cling to for a lifetime. And every second he is not with me I worry that I will get THAT call or THAT text again.

(2016)

(Spring) This June, Branson has been gone four years, I have been healing for four years. I heal a little and then something, some bending or changing in my life, causes the wound to open up again and it starts bleeding again. It starts hurting and throbbing with pain. It hurts so deep down to my core that I feel like the wound is fresh and sometimes it seems to get worse. Then it heals up again, as before, only to be broken open again and again which each little bump or scrap. Many times I would protect the wound with a band aid or I would put ointment on it to help heal it more quickly. The band aid did very little other than stop the pain from being so strong when a bump would happen. The ointment on the other hand, it soothed my wound and allowed it to heal more quickly. As my band aid for my wounds I have placed walls up and although I let them down again and again, if something hits me a little too hard and causes a burst of pain I throw those walls back up to protect me. I close myself in and fight off anyone or anything who tries to enter. These moments have happened less and less over time, but I can still shut down when I am feeling vulnerable about my pain. Then comes my ointment, reading scripture and prayer. Only when I search out God and pray for him to hold me and guide me do I feel the pain slowly dissipate.

 (Fall) I have had to confront many emotions lately. So much has happened to me in the past 3 to 4 years and although I processed my feelings as each event occurred I continued to push each feeling down as I knew I needed to push forward and take care of my kids. I was their constant, they needed me to be strong and show them how to make it through. Now years later I realize that not facing my pains, hurts and needs have caused me shame, or guilt...or both. I have always been hard on myself, wanting to be perfect in all things, but as a wife in my previous marriage I felt like I was never good enough. This was exacerbated by many traumatic things along the way, but all it did was continue to make me feel less than. I had convinced myself that I was not good enough for anyone or anything. I was unworthy of love. I was so ashamed that I could not fix the problems. 

(September 2021) 

Tonight I sat on my bathroom floor and cried. I wept and couldn't stop. No matter how hard I cried I felt like I wasn't crying hard enough. I felt like it was just so built up in me and I couldn't cry hard enough to let out everything I had in me to cry out about. I cried and I couldn't stop crying, wave after wave of the ugly cry came. I cried out to God in my weeping and I asked "Why is this so hard?" Then I answered myself before I gave him the chance to answer. We do seem to do this don't we, trying to have control of the answers God gives us about the questions we ask him. My answer to myself was "This isn't that hard, there is so much you have to be thankful for and so much God has given you, stop complaining!" Then God's voice, although quiet, came through with a gentleness but firmness and answered, "You are healing my child". I stopped crying and where the tears once fell no more would come. Healing? It sounds good, but why does it hurt to heal? Then I saw this wound I have had on my finger that has been trying to heal for a few weeks but because it was right on my knuckle, it kept breaking open when I would bend my finger. When it would break open it would hurt again. Reflecting on this (while still sitting on my bathroom floor) I began to understand how truly ugly healing is. It's not a smudge of dirt on your hand you can wipe away and never think of again. It's a gapping hole that is constantly exposed to the elements of life and going untreated can consume your thoughts and begin to infect your entire soul. One thing is true, I will never be the same as I was before, I have scars and wounds that are still healing. In this moment of reflection I accepted a part of my healing that I had been holding back. I began to let go of feelings of regret and fault for anything that has happened. You see, no matter how much I know that every trauma that has happened in my life recently isn't my fault, I still have that feeling that I could have changed everything. This isn't just about Branson's life either, it is about so many things. 

(June 2022) 

June 12, 2012 my life shifted and began down an alternate route. It's as if I was driving at night on a dark country road, but a familiar road, that I would drive every day. I knew the twists and turns, and could drive this road with such ease little thought was needed to drive in the dark. It's one of those familiar roads that I could drive down blasting my favorite song and sing it at the top of my lungs, just enjoying life. But this time, suddenly something looks different ahead, I almost don't catch it since I am lost in the song, but I see something, a road block? a cow in the road? and as I approach can see that the road that used to be there is now being torn apart and is no longer there. This familiar road that I knew so well was gone. I have to slam on my brakes to avoid the closure. I have no other choice but to follow the detour and turn down a side road. This road is far less familiar and is a dirt road that has formed  dips in the road that are bigger than I think my car can manage, but there is no turning back, the road behind me is closed. I cannot go back. So I forge forward hitting some bumps and holes while trying to avoid bigger ones. The further I go down the road it begins to smooth out at times, but it becomes bumpy again. No longer a familiar road, I cannot see ahead and I do not know what is coming.

This has been my life for a decade, although the bumps aren't as big and the road seems smoother, I still cannot see what is coming. Grief is this road I travel now. I can only see the moment in front of me and fear of the unknown is a constant in my mind. I often think of the day Branson passed. How it was such a beautiful day, I had joy heading to work, a little perk in my step knowing I would get off work early and get to see my kids right after lunch. The image of Branson smiling up at me as I left him that morning is burned in my memory. I left work grabbed some food and was singing at the top of my lungs when a phone call changed everything. After that phone call I sped down the road praying and begging with God to not make it true, to make it a dream. 

(September 2024)

There are days lately that I am just so lost in my grief again. I keep having flashbacks and vividly remember these moments that are moments I don't want to forget, but are not moments I want to relive. Instead of push them away I live in the moment, because it is a memory of Branson and I want to always remember these. I am constantly feeling him everywhere lately. I see things that make me think of him, hear songs or see places and objects that immediately bring him to me. So many things, I feel as if there is something he is trying to say to me, but I can't grasp it completely yet. I keep remembering the moment he was carried in from the ambulance to the room in the hospital and the last moments I held him at the hospital as well as at the funeral home the morning of his memorial. My heart aches every time I flashback to these moments, It is just a memory, yet I can feel myself holding him. I can feel the pain I felt in that moment and the despair and loss I felt. It has ripped my grief wound open again. This causes me to want to shut down and pull away, be alone and mourn.

I'm not sure how long this wound will take to heal, or if it will heal at all in my life time. I know that God is working in me and has placed people in my life to truly help me heal, and to those people I say...thank you, without you I would be lost.

If you made it this far I appreciate you in my life. Reading all my thoughts shows your true care for me. Continue to pray for me as I heal and let me be open to God speaking through me to help others that may struggle with healing as well. 

Britni

Ten years

I have had a hard time trying to come up with the words to say today. So much tragedy lately and with each one I am taken back to my moment. None are equal or the same, but each one reminds me of my pain. It is so hard to imagine that it has been 10 years. Typically on this day I refuse to be sad and try to think of the joy of the 9 months I got to spend with Branson. This year was different. This year I allowed myself to be sad and sit in the sadness. I allowed myself to mentally walk through the entire day (June 12, 2012) and feel each moment. I felt fear, panic, sadness, mourning and loss. It felt good to be sad. Not what people typically say, but today it felt good. 

    

10 years seems like a long time and it is, 27 and 37 are two very different ages. I have added two kids and have seen all my kids grow. I have changed as a mom and take so many things less seriously than I did before. I create memories, sit in moments drinking them in, wanting to remember every word and action of each memory. I take more pictures and laugh at my kids silly antics. I imagine Branson intermingled with them during activities. Just today at lunch we had an empty seat and I looked at it for a minute and imagined Branson sitting there eating chips and salsa and smiling calmly back at me. He was my calm one. I wonder if he still would be?

I can't say I am perfect and don't still get agitated or quickly rush through activities or moments with my kids. I am human after all. I have anxiety when I can't see my kids, or they won't answer my text while at a friends house, or they fly to Disney world without me (HE JUST MADE IT HOME...we have missed him) or sometimes I have anxiety for no reason at all. One day just out of the blue I fear something has happened and there is nothing I can do but sit and wait for it to pass. I trust God and know he will keep them safe. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. 

One decade down, countless more to go. I miss him more and more every passing year and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. Please if you think of him reach out to me. Send me a green heart or just say his name. It brings me so much joy knowing others remember my baby boy. Make memories, take pictures and remember that nothing is promised so make each moment and each memory count. 💚

I don’t write much any more because I have a mental block. Nothing comes out right and I often delete what I write or never post it. I miss writing and hope I can get back to it soon. 

Happy Double Digit Birthday Branson Joe!

Branson Joe Brannon would be 10 this Saturday, a whole decade old...a whole decade of birthday's celebrated without him here. He would be in 4th grade and if his demeanor was the same he would be super chill, easy going and happy. Years go by one after another often running together in your mind, not realizing how much time has passed or how quickly it all goes. That is until you wake up one day and in the quiet still moment on any particular morning you realize that time HAS gone on and time silently slipped away.

I think of Branson all the time and often wonder how he would fit into the dynamic the kids have with one another. Austin and Hudson are best of friends (or worst enemies depending lol) Stetson is so much older than the other kids, but he really does love his siblings and laughs with them often. Kinlee is the only girl, but her and Branson were only 13 months apart so...what would it have been like if Branson lived? How would their relationship be? I like to think and often imagine that they would have been close. They would be each others person.

Even though I have sadness surrounding this day because I don't have him here, I try to find some joy in it. This was the day God gave me the gift of Branson. He gifted him to me for 9 months and 1 day. I am thankful God chose this for me because the other option is that I wouldn't have had Branson at all. 

Lately

Life is busy. Four kids means always on the go, always moving...busy busy busy. This is good in a sense, it keeps me busy and distracted from any thoughts I want to avoid. But then it comes from no where, this moment, it hits me deep in my gut and the wind is knocked out of me. I stop and take it all in as a tear drops from my eye. Because in that moment I feel the emptiness of the loss of Branson. I know every moment of every day, that my life would be different with him here, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't imagine my life with him here. But in these moments, its overwhelming. Its painful. It's not just a passing thought, it's an all consuming ache that MY child is no longer here and no matter how much I imagine it or what I see in my mind, it will never be. It is in that moment all the pain and sadness overtake me. I am overwhelmed with grief again and my heart feels as though it is being ripped from my body. These moments have been hitting me lately. As time passes grief morphs, it turns into something different each passing day and each passing year. These waves are more over powering than the early waves, they were smaller waves consistently hitting me, never leaving me a chance to get up, but now...the waves that come over me build up between them. They become so powerful and so large that it can sometimes knock me to my feet. I feel my stomach drop and my knees give way and the pain consumes my heart and soul. I cry out to God to take the pain from me, but I know he can't, I just must endure until the wave passes me and I feel calmness and steadiness again. I can stand back on my feet and wipe the tears from my eyes and try to live life again. These moments are hard and hurt, but these are my moments that I yearn for. These moments remind me of a few things, first that Branson was, that he existed and that is a wonderful thing, second it reminds me that I cannot endure this grief and pain without God, he is the only reason I CAN get back up on my feet and live life again, thirdly, it reminds me that I am here for a purpose, and I must share this fire he has placed within me, I must guide others to feel this burning in their souls to seek him and know him. It's a reminder that HE created ME for a PURPOSE and this pain is but a part of my story, that will be used to draw others to him.

So as time continues to pass and these waves continue to over take me I will be glad, for these are the moments I feel full of life and purpose for the God who created me. These are the moments that I can open up my soul and allow him to work within me and heal me. These moments will still hurt, even 50 years from now. When I am old and tired, I will still have moments that I will be overtaken with grief for my son. I remember when Branson passed away I spoke with my granny about losing her son, Owen, when he was a toddler. She was in her 80's at the time and she said to me "I still miss him everyday and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, my heart still hurts from missing him. I see him at our Holiday events and in my grandchildren, but one thing I know, he will be there to greet me at Heaven's door and I cannot wait for that day." I smiled because that is exactly how I feel. I cannot wait for him to greet me and say "Hey mom, I've been waiting for you!"

He would be 4...

He would be four tomorrow. Four years old. I would have a sweet little boy with sticky little fingers, who would talk and talk and run around with his brothers and sister and who would give me wet little kisses on my cheek and big bear hugs when he saw me. I would be able to smell his sweet little boy smell as I laid him down in bed. He would close his eyes and tell me he loves me, I would smile and be thankful that I had that day with him. He would love super hero's and cars and pancakes and would ask for ice cream every day. I can hear his little voice saying his ABC's and 123's, he'd be following Kinlee around laughing and playing. I know they would be best friends since they were only 13 months apart. I can hear his little giggle and see his smile. He would fit right in, right in the home where he belongs. You see, this, this is how I imagine my life would be with him. This is what I picture in my heart and in my dreams. This is what I yearn for. But...this is just a dream. Just an idea, a passing thought. In reality, I do not get those wet little kisses, or big bear hugs. I don't get to hear him say mama anymore, or have him smile at me when he sees me. I don't have him to hold. And although I have other babies to hold, my arms still ache for him. My heart still breaks from missing him.

I remember being pregnant with him, having him in my belly, knowing he was safe and I would let no harm come to him. After he was born I had this fear I would lose him. It was unnerving at times. I never feared losing a child like I did with him, but the fear set in on day one. I know now that was God preparing the way, preparing my heart for the unthinkable. This thing I didn't think I could ever survive. Yet here I sit 3 years and almost 3 months later, surviving the worst. It still hurts, almost unbearably at times, but God has held me through my worst days and I know without a doubt he will continue to carry me. He says to me on a regular basis " My child, I know your heart is hurting, mine hurts with yours too, but someday you will see the full purpose of his life and yours. Its a big one, so just keep breathing and keep doing and let me guide your life for this purpose."

So tomorrow on this Fourth birthday of my third born child who watches me from heaven, I will give thanks for having 9 months and 1 day with him and turn over my hurt to God who is the one true healer. I will smile and sing him happy birthday and know this is one year closer to seeing him again.

"Dear God, let my sorrow turn to joy and my aching be calmed. Bring me peace, let me allow you to shine through me and allow you to use me to fulfill the purpose you made me to be."

June 12th, Year Three...

Again I am faced with this day. I KNOW this year will be a joyous year. Not that you want your child's death day to be joyous, but screaming out in pain and feeling disconnected from life has shown me no mercy, no help in healing my pain. So this year I am looking forward to seeing the things everyone will do to acknowledge him, Branson, my son, and how he changed their life...how they interpret heaven! It will be a day that he will be so proud of, seeing God in everyone's daily living. I can't wait to feel his presence and see where he shows himself that day. I know he will. The veil between heaven and earth will be a little thinner this day and I will feel him near me, holding me and guiding me through a day I vividly remember and can't stop thinking about. The day my life forever changed....in a horrible way that I would change if I could, but also in an amazing way. That is harder to explain. Amazing, doesn't sound like a word I should use to describe that day, but what has happened for God's glory because of that day, that is amazing. Who Branson was and what his short little life meant...THAT is amazing. So, yes, it was a horrible amazing day. Please post on my page, send me a message, a text anything to let me know what you did to show glory to him on June 12th. I want to feel the joy pouring from your souls.

It comes...

It is coming again, I try to hold back memories and tears and just survive the days. But it still comes. He was still here and will still be gone. June 12th. Can't believe it has been three years. It stings like yesterday. If I close my eyes and let it go I am in the moment I was told he was gone. It would seem best to not remember that moment. But that is the moment my heart was torn, never to be whole again. Its not a memory I want to forget. Its a memory I try to remember. That was his life. We all think back on our lives as we grow older...or we look at pictures and celebrate our grandparents full long life. Well that was his full life not long enough but yes it was full enough. And I want to be the one that can remember it from start to finish. So although it pains me I remember because he deserves to be remembered.

And please don't forget to do something on June 12th in his rememberance and share with me! I will remind you as it nears, but it will be two weeks from this Friday.