He would be 4...

He would be four tomorrow. Four years old. I would have a sweet little boy with sticky little fingers, who would talk and talk and run around with his brothers and sister and who would give me wet little kisses on my cheek and big bear hugs when he saw me. I would be able to smell his sweet little boy smell as I laid him down in bed. He would close his eyes and tell me he loves me, I would smile and be thankful that I had that day with him. He would love super hero's and cars and pancakes and would ask for ice cream every day. I can hear his little voice saying his ABC's and 123's, he'd be following Kinlee around laughing and playing. I know they would be best friends since they were only 13 months apart. I can hear his little giggle and see his smile. He would fit right in, right in the home where he belongs. You see, this, this is how I imagine my life would be with him. This is what I picture in my heart and in my dreams. This is what I yearn for. But...this is just a dream. Just an idea, a passing thought. In reality, I do not get those wet little kisses, or big bear hugs. I don't get to hear him say mama anymore, or have him smile at me when he sees me. I don't have him to hold. And although I have other babies to hold, my arms still ache for him. My heart still breaks from missing him.

I remember being pregnant with him, having him in my belly, knowing he was safe and I would let no harm come to him. After he was born I had this fear I would lose him. It was unnerving at times. I never feared losing a child like I did with him, but the fear set in on day one. I know now that was God preparing the way, preparing my heart for the unthinkable. This thing I didn't think I could ever survive. Yet here I sit 3 years and almost 3 months later, surviving the worst. It still hurts, almost unbearably at times, but God has held me through my worst days and I know without a doubt he will continue to carry me. He says to me on a regular basis " My child, I know your heart is hurting, mine hurts with yours too, but someday you will see the full purpose of his life and yours. Its a big one, so just keep breathing and keep doing and let me guide your life for this purpose."

So tomorrow on this Fourth birthday of my third born child who watches me from heaven, I will give thanks for having 9 months and 1 day with him and turn over my hurt to God who is the one true healer. I will smile and sing him happy birthday and know this is one year closer to seeing him again.

"Dear God, let my sorrow turn to joy and my aching be calmed. Bring me peace, let me allow you to shine through me and allow you to use me to fulfill the purpose you made me to be."