Lately

Life is busy. Four kids means always on the go, always moving...busy busy busy. This is good in a sense, it keeps me busy and distracted from any thoughts I want to avoid. But then it comes from no where, this moment, it hits me deep in my gut and the wind is knocked out of me. I stop and take it all in as a tear drops from my eye. Because in that moment I feel the emptiness of the loss of Branson. I know every moment of every day, that my life would be different with him here, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't imagine my life with him here. But in these moments, its overwhelming. Its painful. It's not just a passing thought, it's an all consuming ache that MY child is no longer here and no matter how much I imagine it or what I see in my mind, it will never be. It is in that moment all the pain and sadness overtake me. I am overwhelmed with grief again and my heart feels as though it is being ripped from my body. These moments have been hitting me lately. As time passes grief morphs, it turns into something different each passing day and each passing year. These waves are more over powering than the early waves, they were smaller waves consistently hitting me, never leaving me a chance to get up, but now...the waves that come over me build up between them. They become so powerful and so large that it can sometimes knock me to my feet. I feel my stomach drop and my knees give way and the pain consumes my heart and soul. I cry out to God to take the pain from me, but I know he can't, I just must endure until the wave passes me and I feel calmness and steadiness again. I can stand back on my feet and wipe the tears from my eyes and try to live life again. These moments are hard and hurt, but these are my moments that I yearn for. These moments remind me of a few things, first that Branson was, that he existed and that is a wonderful thing, second it reminds me that I cannot endure this grief and pain without God, he is the only reason I CAN get back up on my feet and live life again, thirdly, it reminds me that I am here for a purpose, and I must share this fire he has placed within me, I must guide others to feel this burning in their souls to seek him and know him. It's a reminder that HE created ME for a PURPOSE and this pain is but a part of my story, that will be used to draw others to him.

So as time continues to pass and these waves continue to over take me I will be glad, for these are the moments I feel full of life and purpose for the God who created me. These are the moments that I can open up my soul and allow him to work within me and heal me. These moments will still hurt, even 50 years from now. When I am old and tired, I will still have moments that I will be overtaken with grief for my son. I remember when Branson passed away I spoke with my granny about losing her son, Owen, when he was a toddler. She was in her 80's at the time and she said to me "I still miss him everyday and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, my heart still hurts from missing him. I see him at our Holiday events and in my grandchildren, but one thing I know, he will be there to greet me at Heaven's door and I cannot wait for that day." I smiled because that is exactly how I feel. I cannot wait for him to greet me and say "Hey mom, I've been waiting for you!"