Ten years

I have had a hard time trying to come up with the words to say today. So much tragedy lately and with each one I am taken back to my moment. None are equal or the same, but each one reminds me of my pain. It is so hard to imagine that it has been 10 years. Typically on this day I refuse to be sad and try to think of the joy of the 9 months I got to spend with Branson. This year was different. This year I allowed myself to be sad and sit in the sadness. I allowed myself to mentally walk through the entire day (June 12, 2012) and feel each moment. I felt fear, panic, sadness, mourning and loss. It felt good to be sad. Not what people typically say, but today it felt good. 

    

10 years seems like a long time and it is, 27 and 37 are two very different ages. I have added two kids and have seen all my kids grow. I have changed as a mom and take so many things less seriously than I did before. I create memories, sit in moments drinking them in, wanting to remember every word and action of each memory. I take more pictures and laugh at my kids silly antics. I imagine Branson intermingled with them during activities. Just today at lunch we had an empty seat and I looked at it for a minute and imagined Branson sitting there eating chips and salsa and smiling calmly back at me. He was my calm one. I wonder if he still would be?

I can't say I am perfect and don't still get agitated or quickly rush through activities or moments with my kids. I am human after all. I have anxiety when I can't see my kids, or they won't answer my text while at a friends house, or they fly to Disney world without me (HE JUST MADE IT HOME...we have missed him) or sometimes I have anxiety for no reason at all. One day just out of the blue I fear something has happened and there is nothing I can do but sit and wait for it to pass. I trust God and know he will keep them safe. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. 

One decade down, countless more to go. I miss him more and more every passing year and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. Please if you think of him reach out to me. Send me a green heart or just say his name. It brings me so much joy knowing others remember my baby boy. Make memories, take pictures and remember that nothing is promised so make each moment and each memory count. 💚

I don’t write much any more because I have a mental block. Nothing comes out right and I often delete what I write or never post it. I miss writing and hope I can get back to it soon. 

Happy Double Digit Birthday Branson Joe!

Branson Joe Brannon would be 10 this Saturday, a whole decade old...a whole decade of birthday's celebrated without him here. He would be in 4th grade and if his demeanor was the same he would be super chill, easy going and happy. Years go by one after another often running together in your mind, not realizing how much time has passed or how quickly it all goes. That is until you wake up one day and in the quiet still moment on any particular morning you realize that time HAS gone on and time silently slipped away.

I think of Branson all the time and often wonder how he would fit into the dynamic the kids have with one another. Austin and Hudson are best of friends (or worst enemies depending lol) Stetson is so much older than the other kids, but he really does love his siblings and laughs with them often. Kinlee is the only girl, but her and Branson were only 13 months apart so...what would it have been like if Branson lived? How would their relationship be? I like to think and often imagine that they would have been close. They would be each others person.

Even though I have sadness surrounding this day because I don't have him here, I try to find some joy in it. This was the day God gave me the gift of Branson. He gifted him to me for 9 months and 1 day. I am thankful God chose this for me because the other option is that I wouldn't have had Branson at all. 

Lately

Life is busy. Four kids means always on the go, always moving...busy busy busy. This is good in a sense, it keeps me busy and distracted from any thoughts I want to avoid. But then it comes from no where, this moment, it hits me deep in my gut and the wind is knocked out of me. I stop and take it all in as a tear drops from my eye. Because in that moment I feel the emptiness of the loss of Branson. I know every moment of every day, that my life would be different with him here, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't imagine my life with him here. But in these moments, its overwhelming. Its painful. It's not just a passing thought, it's an all consuming ache that MY child is no longer here and no matter how much I imagine it or what I see in my mind, it will never be. It is in that moment all the pain and sadness overtake me. I am overwhelmed with grief again and my heart feels as though it is being ripped from my body. These moments have been hitting me lately. As time passes grief morphs, it turns into something different each passing day and each passing year. These waves are more over powering than the early waves, they were smaller waves consistently hitting me, never leaving me a chance to get up, but now...the waves that come over me build up between them. They become so powerful and so large that it can sometimes knock me to my feet. I feel my stomach drop and my knees give way and the pain consumes my heart and soul. I cry out to God to take the pain from me, but I know he can't, I just must endure until the wave passes me and I feel calmness and steadiness again. I can stand back on my feet and wipe the tears from my eyes and try to live life again. These moments are hard and hurt, but these are my moments that I yearn for. These moments remind me of a few things, first that Branson was, that he existed and that is a wonderful thing, second it reminds me that I cannot endure this grief and pain without God, he is the only reason I CAN get back up on my feet and live life again, thirdly, it reminds me that I am here for a purpose, and I must share this fire he has placed within me, I must guide others to feel this burning in their souls to seek him and know him. It's a reminder that HE created ME for a PURPOSE and this pain is but a part of my story, that will be used to draw others to him.

So as time continues to pass and these waves continue to over take me I will be glad, for these are the moments I feel full of life and purpose for the God who created me. These are the moments that I can open up my soul and allow him to work within me and heal me. These moments will still hurt, even 50 years from now. When I am old and tired, I will still have moments that I will be overtaken with grief for my son. I remember when Branson passed away I spoke with my granny about losing her son, Owen, when he was a toddler. She was in her 80's at the time and she said to me "I still miss him everyday and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, my heart still hurts from missing him. I see him at our Holiday events and in my grandchildren, but one thing I know, he will be there to greet me at Heaven's door and I cannot wait for that day." I smiled because that is exactly how I feel. I cannot wait for him to greet me and say "Hey mom, I've been waiting for you!"

He would be 4...

He would be four tomorrow. Four years old. I would have a sweet little boy with sticky little fingers, who would talk and talk and run around with his brothers and sister and who would give me wet little kisses on my cheek and big bear hugs when he saw me. I would be able to smell his sweet little boy smell as I laid him down in bed. He would close his eyes and tell me he loves me, I would smile and be thankful that I had that day with him. He would love super hero's and cars and pancakes and would ask for ice cream every day. I can hear his little voice saying his ABC's and 123's, he'd be following Kinlee around laughing and playing. I know they would be best friends since they were only 13 months apart. I can hear his little giggle and see his smile. He would fit right in, right in the home where he belongs. You see, this, this is how I imagine my life would be with him. This is what I picture in my heart and in my dreams. This is what I yearn for. But...this is just a dream. Just an idea, a passing thought. In reality, I do not get those wet little kisses, or big bear hugs. I don't get to hear him say mama anymore, or have him smile at me when he sees me. I don't have him to hold. And although I have other babies to hold, my arms still ache for him. My heart still breaks from missing him.

I remember being pregnant with him, having him in my belly, knowing he was safe and I would let no harm come to him. After he was born I had this fear I would lose him. It was unnerving at times. I never feared losing a child like I did with him, but the fear set in on day one. I know now that was God preparing the way, preparing my heart for the unthinkable. This thing I didn't think I could ever survive. Yet here I sit 3 years and almost 3 months later, surviving the worst. It still hurts, almost unbearably at times, but God has held me through my worst days and I know without a doubt he will continue to carry me. He says to me on a regular basis " My child, I know your heart is hurting, mine hurts with yours too, but someday you will see the full purpose of his life and yours. Its a big one, so just keep breathing and keep doing and let me guide your life for this purpose."

So tomorrow on this Fourth birthday of my third born child who watches me from heaven, I will give thanks for having 9 months and 1 day with him and turn over my hurt to God who is the one true healer. I will smile and sing him happy birthday and know this is one year closer to seeing him again.

"Dear God, let my sorrow turn to joy and my aching be calmed. Bring me peace, let me allow you to shine through me and allow you to use me to fulfill the purpose you made me to be."

June 12th, Year Three...

Again I am faced with this day. I KNOW this year will be a joyous year. Not that you want your child's death day to be joyous, but screaming out in pain and feeling disconnected from life has shown me no mercy, no help in healing my pain. So this year I am looking forward to seeing the things everyone will do to acknowledge him, Branson, my son, and how he changed their life...how they interpret heaven! It will be a day that he will be so proud of, seeing God in everyone's daily living. I can't wait to feel his presence and see where he shows himself that day. I know he will. The veil between heaven and earth will be a little thinner this day and I will feel him near me, holding me and guiding me through a day I vividly remember and can't stop thinking about. The day my life forever changed....in a horrible way that I would change if I could, but also in an amazing way. That is harder to explain. Amazing, doesn't sound like a word I should use to describe that day, but what has happened for God's glory because of that day, that is amazing. Who Branson was and what his short little life meant...THAT is amazing. So, yes, it was a horrible amazing day. Please post on my page, send me a message, a text anything to let me know what you did to show glory to him on June 12th. I want to feel the joy pouring from your souls.

It comes...

It is coming again, I try to hold back memories and tears and just survive the days. But it still comes. He was still here and will still be gone. June 12th. Can't believe it has been three years. It stings like yesterday. If I close my eyes and let it go I am in the moment I was told he was gone. It would seem best to not remember that moment. But that is the moment my heart was torn, never to be whole again. Its not a memory I want to forget. Its a memory I try to remember. That was his life. We all think back on our lives as we grow older...or we look at pictures and celebrate our grandparents full long life. Well that was his full life not long enough but yes it was full enough. And I want to be the one that can remember it from start to finish. So although it pains me I remember because he deserves to be remembered.

And please don't forget to do something on June 12th in his rememberance and share with me! I will remind you as it nears, but it will be two weeks from this Friday.

Recently

I have had so much going on in my mind recently, but I keep going over and over what I will do on the three year anniversary of Branson's death. I know that I am tired of this day being a sad day because EVERY SINGLE DAY is a day without him for me..that day just marks the day he went home. I don't want this to be a burdened day. I want it to be a hopeful day...a day of knowing he is in heaven and we can be in heaven some day too! What a joyous day that will be!

So this year I want to change things up a bit. I want everyone to do something and post it. Something like, paying it forward, babysitting a neighbors friend so they can get a pedicure or take a nap, taking a busy mom some coffee , making something for someone, an anonymous gift for someone having a hard time, send a card to a friend...the possibilities are endless my friends!

I know this may be cliche...but I want this to be a day that we remember HEAVEN! That is where he is after all. So think...what would make you think of that...and DO IT! THEN tell me about it...I want to see how you interpret what I am saying. I want to see how Branson is changing hearts and lives!